Category: Uncategorized

Some Traditions Are Not Made to be Broken…

I started this blog because I wanted to start writing again. And so far, I’ve found things to write about that run the gamut from sports figures, to books, to personal loss. Today – I find myself AT a loss. So many things spinning around in my head, but I’m not sure how much I want to – or should – share. However, this blog is something that I said I would be completely honest with, so…I shall do so here. I’m afraid that nothing else will come until I get this out.

Folks, let me give a piece of free advice. It is NOT ok to spring something relatively major on people AT A FUNERAL. One shouldn’t, for example, decide relatively unilaterally to bury one’s son’s ashes *at the same time as his grandmother is being buried – and in the same hole* without mentioning it to other family members. Because, having just experienced that this weekend – it is DEVASTATING.

I don’t know about you all, but that period of time between a death and the service is spent largely in mentally preparing. Going home again, seeing family members you may not get along with, dealing with the service and burial, dealing with the aftermath…it’s a lot, as anyone who has gone through it will testify. So that mental preparation is key to making sure that sanity is gripped tightly, that emotions are kept reasonably in check, and that opinions are kept behind a firmly zipped mouth. Especially when you’re going home to a place that tends to be the antithesis of what you believe in. And all it takes to wreck two full weeks of preparing is to be confronted with a complete surprise in finding out that your brother’s ashes will now be part of the equation – AS THE URN IS BEING WALKED TO THE HOLE IN THE GROUND. While being pretty darn sure that it’s not what he would have wanted, but is going to happen anyway. Watching family members look confused and appalled, because they thought the service was over and were chatting loudly in the back. Seeing others look horrified when realizing that some of their family had already walked away. Watching your dad get his ass chewed because people didn’t know – even though he didn’t know for sure, either. Seeing YOUR 13-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER CRUSHED because she adored her uncle and didn’t understand what was happening – like the rest of us standing there.

Grief is a hard thing, and it affects us all in different ways. And as I’ve written before (https://stillmorewords.com/2020/01/28/when-grieving-feels-weird/), THAT’S OK. But what is *not* ok is to use your grief as a bludgeon to others, to try and make them feel like they loved the individual less than you did. I don’t know how one works around that, honestly. I’m just experiencing it for the first time myself. I *do* know that it makes me less likely to want to be in that person’s presence, or to want my kids to be there either. It makes me angry and hurt that this wasn’t just done to me and other family members, but to her own granddaughter. What it doesn’t do? Make me view that person with any degree of positivity, but instead to see them through a lens of hurt and anger.

I found myself explaining a lot of things about traditional funerals and services to my girl before all this happened, as she’s old enough to ask why and understand the answers. So much of what is “traditional” actually is not something that would fit her dad or I at all. In fact, much of the “traditional” steps are being done away with by people all over, in favor of eco-burials, or something more personal. Some traditions are there for a reason, however. Like that of people knowing what is going to happen. People deserve the right to be prepared, and by forcefully yanking that away with no warning, you’ve broken boundaries that may never get repaired. And, grief or no, that’s all on you.

Review: The Librarian of Auschwitz

I am fascinated by any books about books, bookstores, librarians. I suppose it comes from my longest-running love affair being with books. So I was curious about this one, excited – but also a little hesitant. I had the book for over a month before I decided to finally dig in. Auschwitz is a heavy topic, books notwithstanding – and it’s even more fraught these days, with what we see happening all over the world. However, read it I did – and it was excellent. It is a reminder of what was, a caution of what could be, and – above all – a celebration of the indomitable spirit and will of one young lady.

The book is based on the very real life of Dita Kraus, a young Jew who is sent to Auschwitz in her teens with her mother and father. All of them destined to die there, in one of several horrifying ways – along with thousands and thousands more. Upon arrival at Auschwitz, Dita’s family gets assigned to Block 31 – the family block – and she gets lucky enough to be in with the children. She ends up in charge of the few books that have managed to be smuggled into the camp. Possession of a book means an immediate death sentence, a knowledge which follows her every waking minute in the camp.

The Librarian of Auschwitz isn’t just Dita’s story, however. It’s also the story of those strong enough to try and resist in whatever ways they could. Of those who were weak, and failed to speak up about what they saw happening. Of those who, once upon a time, would have been just another person – but instead, chose to become killers. It’s a reminder of what was, and what could be yet again. As that famous quote goes, “Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”.

I greatly appreciated the Epilogue, the Postscript, and the “What happened to…” sections at the end of the book. And for the final details? The endpapers – in the front, the map of Auschwitz-Birkenau Extermination Camp, August 1944. The back? Birkenau Extermination Camp, September 1944. All the pieces tie this book together in a way that really forces one to be absorbed into the story.

There was a very real chance that this book could have turned into some overly dramatized, maudlin mess – thereby negating anything it was trying to say. Thankfully, it did not do so, which is a credit to both the author and the translator. It is an engrossing read, with heart and spirit and warmth. It is also a horrifying read, one that shows the worst of humanity while highlighting the best. Having said that – it can be quite dark. There were truly awful ways to die in the camps, and not all of them by stepping into “a shower”. Definitely more for the Young Adult audience, unless you know you have a reader mature enough to handle the themes. Regardless of age, *absolutely* a book to talk about with your readers after they have finished it. As with us all, much of life is about the choices that we make – for good or ill – and that shines through here.

This book is about a librarian – a young, teenage girl who does what she can to preserve knowledge while stuck in one of the worst places ever to have been created by man. A girl who sees the best and the worst of humanity, all in the same place. It’s also about all of us, and whether we have the courage to step up when hate comes calling.

For more information on Dita Kraus, please visit https://www.ditakraus.com/

#FeelGoodFriday

It’s been a year this week, hasn’t it? I don’t know about you, but I’m exhausted – and I’m getting ready to head home for the funeral of my Grandma Rose (https://stillmorewords.com/2020/01/27/grandma-rose/). That will be emotionally draining, for so many different reasons. So, for the foreseeable future, I’m designating Friday as #FeelGoodFriday to give us all something happy. Mental breaks are healthy, and giggling like a fool or making heart-eyes at the screen isn’t terrible either. 😉

First up – this friendship is straight out of Disney. Except that it’s apparently fairly common. That little dance is absolutely saying, “Hurry up, fren! We gots things to do!”.

Anyone yelling that kids these days are terrible is probably old and cranky, and hasn’t met these kids. *Tear-jerker alert*

https://www.instagram.com/p/B8HDOxojJsj/?igshid=ib6fm5fyrl60

And this guy, well…he’s stolen my heart. I thought it was the sweetest thing when he made the “snow” angel after the Superbowl, but this – this tops that in SPADES. You, sir, have permission to sing the Toy Story “Friend In Me” theme song FOREVER.

https://www.cnn.com/2020/02/03/us/super-bowl-chiefs-derrick-nnadi-adoption-dogs-trnd/index.html?utm_source=twCNN&utm_content=2020-02-03T21%3A00%3A11&utm_term=link&utm_medium=social
BETTER THAN DISNEY WORLD!

So, there are 3 fabulous stories meant to make you smile. It can be hard sometimes, but do try to find the positive in life when you can. And the harder it seems, the more important it is to do. And that makes me wonder – what made YOU smile this week? I’d love to hear from you in the comments!

Have a great weekend, and as Ellen says – Be Kind To One Another. Because right now, it’s more important than ever. ❤

Baffling Book B.S.

Do you ever just look at something, and KNOW that it’s just jacked all the way up? I mean, not talking about politics? Because shock and awe is how I’m feeling right now, and it’s not the good kind. How many of y’all saw this:

UPDATE: Barnes & Noble cancels launch of classic novels with new covers following online backlash

My first thought was along the lines of, “Huh. That’s kinda cool.”. THEN I READ FURTHER. And I have no words to describe the idiocy that is this idea. THIS IS NOT HOW INCLUSIVENESS WORKS, PEOPLE. You don’t take a bunch of books and just slap new covers on them with POC to make them *seem* inclusive. That’s like slapping a band-aid on a GAPING CHEST WOUND, ffs. It ain’t gonna work, and you look like a damn fool for even thinking it might.

This particular move strikes me as so incredibly tone-deaf, what with all the chaos about the RWA (Romance Writers of America) and their issues, and about American Dirt and its issues…basically, you’d *think* that those making these sorts of decisions would think carefully and thoughtfully about whatever moves they make at the moment. Instead, B&N apparently went out, got drunk, played some shitty pool, and threw a random dart at a board labeled “How to be more inclusive”. Obviously, they missed the board and came up with this dumbass idea instead.

Guys, being inclusive in the book world means hiring outside the white, hetero box. It means finding authors who are able to write #ownvoice titles, and putting the weight of your time and energy behind them. It means reading titles by POC and others, and making sure they are represented on bookstore shelves. It means helping customers find those titles. IT DOES NOT MEAN SLAPPING NEW COVERS ON OLD BOOKS AND CALLING IT A DAY.

Same, girl. Same.

We all need to start doing better. And we start by listening, and by learning. I know I’m trying, so I suppose the best I can hope for is that this can be a learning opportunity for not only B&N, but for everyone in the book world (including readers). Inclusiveness – and the lack thereof – is a real problem. This kind of thing is NOT how that problem gets resolved. Honest conversations, true effort, and a willingness to change is how that happens. #DoTheWork

Those Damn Glass Ceilings

So…Superbowl. Who watched it? There’s a LOT to unpack from so many angles, that I’m not even going to try. But I picked a team to root for (Chiefs, based on how long it had been since they had Superbowl status), and went all in. So, SUPER stoked that they won, super impressed with their QB (DID YOU KNOW HE WAS DRAFTED FOR PRO BASEBALL TOO?! Some talent right there…), and the game was a blast from start to finish. So – can’t complain about that, even though MY SEAHAWKS WEREN’T THERE.

However, I noticed something towards the end of the game that kind of bothered me. Remember this?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=2&v=_xPn4DXIj5w&feature=emb_logo

They really played this up, that she was the first female coach ever in the Superbowl. And frankly? KUDOS TO HER. I think it’s excellent, because as she says in the video – after the first, there will be more. But what bothers me, is that they played it up A LOT – and then…radio silence. I didn’t *once* see the camera on her during the game. Nor did I hear the announcers say anything at all – even a quick “Good luck to her and the team” at the beginning of the game. It’s possible I just missed something, but…I don’t think so.

If you’re wondering why that bothered me, and why she should get more attention than any other coaches, well…it’s because I’m starting to feel like they *used* her to get more attention for the game, and then just…shut it off. And yet, I guarantee there were some younger girls watching that would have been THRILLED to see them focus on her for even a second during the biggest football game of the year. Some of them were probably *only* paying attention because they’d heard so much about Katie Sowers in the lead up to the game itself. I will also guarantee that – had Coach Sowers been shown at all – there are some parents who would have called their girls in to watch. Me being one of them – because representation matters.

And that’s really what it comes down to. Representation matters, particularly when it’s on the largest stages in the world. This was a huge, defining moment. The *first female pro coach at the Superbowl*. One that would have meant a LOT to millions of girls everywhere, and even more to those young ladies who are actually working on breaking boundaries in their own cities, towns, and states. Girls who are playing football with the boys, against all expectations and norms – and kicking ass doing it.

So kudos to Katie Sowers, and to all the girls who want to follow in her footsteps. Congrats to her for making it as far as she has, and helping to get her team to the Superbowl. And to all those girls out there who were hoping to see/hear more on the big day? Keep on keepin’ on, ladies. Keep on kicking ass and taking names, and one of these days, you can help break down barriers of ALL kinds.

The Unspoken Crisis

How many of us know someone that has been a victim of some form of domestic violence? I’m certain that a lot of hands would be rising in the air right now, were we in some form of room together. Now let me ask this – how many of those people that we know are men?

*crickets*

How many of us would *swear* that we don’t know any men that have ever been abused by a domestic partner? And yet, studies show that nearly 1 in 4 men have experienced some form of domestic violence in their lifetime (https://www.thehotline.org/resources/statistics/). For so many, that statistic seems flawed, wrong, impossible. Yet, in one of the most high-profile cases in recent memory, the actress Amber Heard is accused of horrific abuse on her former partner – Johnny Depp. This comes *after* she not only accused HIM of domestic abuse, but went on to see him fired from jobs AND for her to become a “human rights activist”. The male in the relationship – the one assumed to have more power (In this case, in multiple ways due to his income and fame.) – dealt with what appears to be terrible cruelty and physical abuse from his female partner.

I know there will be some out there that decide Depp must be “weak” to “allow” something like this to happen to him. But to make such a claim completely ignores the dynamics at play in an abusive relationship. It’s about POWER, and who controls it. I’m guessing in this case, Heard knew that people would be more likely to believe her over him (which, ultimately, proved correct). He also had a much larger career to think potentially lose (which, ultimately, also began to happen). Often, it only takes that first time to set a pattern – one that can be hard to escape from. All victims feel some sort of embarrassment – but it can be worse for men. There is often a huge sense of denial – but it can be worse for men. And to complicate factors, there is often a massive dearth of resources for men to get help, simply because they are so often overlooked as potential victims.

Hearing about this sort of thing is heartbreaking – but it should also be infuriating. Domestic abuse is NOT just a male-on-female issue. It’s a PERSON-ON-PERSON issue, and it happens to gays, to straights, to trans, to men, to women…there IS NO LIMITING FACTOR. And yet, so much of the perception is that it’s the women getting abused, and so much of the resources are designed to help only them – so others are getting lost with nothing to turn to.

Folks, it’s likely that you know *at least* one male that has been a victim of domestic violence at some point in his lifetime. I GUARANTEE you know at least one *person* – though you may not realize it. And if you *ARE* that person? There is help. Find a friend, or a family member. Call a hotline, or find information on a trusted website. GET. HELP. Because domestic abuse doesn’t just…end. It only stops when the victim is able to decide they’ve had enough and to break free. As for me, I honestly hope that this saga with Depp and Heard will highlight an issue that has been far too long in the dark. He tries to lead a private life – and I get that. But this will help to give voice to the millions of voiceless men who have been too afraid to speak up before now.

RESOURCES:

Domestic Abuse Home Page
Get Help

https://www.liveyourdream.org/get-help/domestic-violence-resources.html

https://ncadv.org/resources

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/domestic-violence-against-men/art-20045149

Things That Make You Go hmmm…

When I was growing up, in a small town in the middle of nowhere, when you were hurt you either sucked it up, or you went to the doctor. There was no in-between. Anything *other* than a doctor was seen as “woo woo” medicine, the kind of stuff that only the hippies and treehuggers did, the sort of stuff that might get you accidentally dead because the practitioners were flakes and fakes.

My, how things have changed. My daughter is, currently, a competitive gymnast. She practices 20+ hours a week, and is currently a level 6. She’s been competing for…5 years now? She is strong, and muscular, and can do things some only dream of. She’s built differently than most of her teammates (think Simone Biles muscle vs. Nastia Liukin’s trimness). This muscle gives her tremendous power when doing skills on floor and when vaulting. However, with that skill, muscle, and practice schedule sometimes comes pain of one sort or another.

Gymnasts are like so many other athletes – they tend to shrug it off until it gets to the point where they just can’t anymore. Though these days, they have a lot more options than in the past. My daughter went to her first chiropractor about 3 years ago, and the main reason was because she was the mom of one of her teammates. She didn’t die, and she said she felt better, so…she kept going. Her dad didn’t warm up to the idea of chiro for, say, about 3 years? 😉 But we’re lucky enough that our insurance covers it, and so she’s kept on going. Lately, she’s had horrible back pain. Started out small (as it does), but has gotten to the point where her tumbling was suffering, it hurt to run, and even sitting for longer periods of time caused pain. Complicating factor? It’s the middle of season. Uber-complicating factor? She’s trying to decide if she wants to continue with gymnastics. We got x-rays. No fractures to be seen. Her chiro has her working on building some of the muscle that is weaker. Her physical therapist is doing the same. And then – a possible breakthrough. Cupping.

Don’t roll your eyes, because I’ve already done that for you. For those of us who grew up thinking about chiropractors as woo woo, well…cupping is so far out there that the horizon can’t be seen. Yes, I know it’s well-regarded in many circles. Yes, I know many top-level athletes get it done. BUT STILL. It’s such a strange thing to those of us with a white, Western mindset. ANYWHOO…(For those of you unsure of what I speak: https://www.webmd.com/balance/guide/cupping-therapy#1)

Chiro today mentions some extra research she’s been doing, and suggests a couple of nerves that may be suffering. Daughter already has some of the signs, she wants to test for a couple more. Those signs seem to be there, so…she decides to do some cupping for 5 minutes. AND IT HELPED, PEOPLE. My poor child even said it “felt weird not hurting”. Now, is this conclusive evidence? No. But it’s improvement, and that’s all *I* care about. Will she be getting more cupping? HELLS TO THE YEAH SHE WILL. If I have to pay to get it done every week until season is over, then I sure as hell will! She will continue with the chiro/PT muscle-building exercises for sure. But anything that helps is on the table – I’m not averse to broadening my horizons (and that of my daughter).

As a competitive level gymnast, her sport is essentially her job. She has school, and she has practice, and there is very little in between. If she decides this is her last season – I want to give her the opportunity to go out feeling good and strong and with the best chance to be successful at State. And if it’s not, well then I still want to give her the best chance to be successful through State and beyond. That’s my job – and if trying therapies that used to be considered “woo woo” is what does the trick? Well then, so be it. And if anyone needs me, I’ll be out hugging my tree with my tie-dye shirt on.

I can’t tell you how many handstand pictures I have taken during her gymnastics career…

Review: A Very Stable Genius

A Very Stable Genius: Donald J. Trump’s Testing of America by Philip Rucker

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


The Trump administration is a Carousel of Chaos. Trump tweets a thing, the news orgs pick it up, his staff scrambles to control it, or spin it, or lie about it – whatever the case may be. It’s exhausting and frustrating and more than a little bit nuts. Trying to keep track of the last 3 years of this is wearying – which is why I’m glad Philip Rucker and Carol Leonnig did all the hard work for us. And did it well.

The book is extremely readable, and lays everything out on the table. And they do it in true journalistic style – I was honestly surprised to find that a few times I felt sympathy that surprised me. It is obvious that they spoke to A LOT of people, because the accounts given are as complete as one could get without having actually been in the room. This is one of those books where we know the basic story, but filling in the blanks is more surprising, infuriating, and helpful than we could have guessed.

The scene at the Pentagon made me grit my teeth in anger (I’m former military, and my husband retired from the service. However, anyone who “supports the troops” should find it unacceptable.). The whole thing about the Kurds made my physically ill. But the overall theme here is the casual carelessness with which Trump runs his administration. The ignorance of why there are processes, and the disdain with which he views everyone around him. It’s not unknown, but seeing it here so starkly written, with conversations and pieces that were previously still hidden, is eye-opening and – frankly – terrifying.

This is a book that is required reading. It will be an important piece of the historical puzzle about this administration, and we should all understand where we stand as a country.



View all my reviews

Joyful Interlude

Well, then. It’s been a cheery week thus far, hasn’t it? Seriously, the post on grieving was written before my grandmother passed, and before Kobe Bryant passed. But it sort of seemed to fit right in, and they were all important topics – at least to me – so…here we are! With all of that, and with the dumpster fire that is our current administration and the impeachment, I thought I would take this Friday to highlight some…shall we say, lighter topics? Things that have brought me some measure of joy and/or laughter during the chaos? I hope that you find they are able to do the same for you!

https://io9.gizmodo.com/i-do-not-like-working-too-hard-or-too-long-a-refreshin-1841209529?utm_medium=sharefromsite&utm_source=_twitter
Best. Author. Interview. EVER.

This went sorta viral, and for all the right (and left) reasons. 😉 https://mashable.com/article/sheriff-large-small-boulder-viral-tweet/

This thread is historical AND hysterical…
You really have to read this thread, because CRAZY. Also, yes – it’s possible I spend too much time on Twitter.
Bon Jovi Helps Those ‘Living on a Prayer’: Opens Pay-What-You-Can Restaurant for Cash-Strapped College Students

Anyway, there are a few things to make you smile. A palate-cleanser, if you will. And I’d love to know of other fun and/or interesting things YOU saw on the interwebs this week!

Why I Mourn Kobe Bryant

I will admit it. I’m not a big basketball fan. I mean, I appreciate my home team (Portland Trailblazers), and I enjoy a good game when it happens to be on, but…that’s about it. I’ve never closely followed brackets or players, and I rarely know when players switch from one team to another. Having said THAT, there are some names that transcend the sport of basketball. Kobe Bryant was one of them.

Did I *know* Kobe? Not anymore than the legions of true fans did. What I knew of Kobe Bryant, the basketball legend, was from the news and social media and watercooler chats about last night’s game. And yet – I mourn his loss, and that of his daughter, just the same.

Some people will claim that mourning a celebrity is stupid, wasteful, accomplishes nothing. I dispute that claim. I say that sometimes, those celebrities are such larger-than-life figures, that we feel we *do* know them. We feel that, irregardless of their money and talent, they are like us in more ways than not. And so we mourn not only their passing, but the death that is coming for us all one day. We grieve for a life that had so much *life* left to give – until the time that it didn’t. And in this case, we see a proud father who probably spent his last moments consoling his daughter and praying that even if he didn’t make it, she would. Who among us cannot feel that pain, and know in the depths of our hearts how frightened he was for his child?

We also mourn for the family left behind – the wife and kids who were not on the trip that day, now left without their husband, their father, their sibling. And we know that, someday, that will be *our* family, saying goodbye to us.

Did I know Kobe Bryant? No. Do I mourn his passing, so suddenly and with him so young? Yes. And I don’t think that makes me ridiculous or weak or silly. I think it shows that I have a heart, and I can feel empathy for his family and friends. That I can say goodbye to all that he had to offer. And ultimately, that I understand death comes for us all – and we never know when, or how, or where.

I think, as with most parents, this is how he would want to be remembered.